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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2012 16:28:01 GMT -5
Talk about mixed signals... instead of ranting and crying pacts and breaking them, she should have told him what really bothered, no - frightened her. He was not a mind reader. I've said it before and I'll repeat it: if she had made herself clear, if she had really made him think that she was unhappy and that he had it in his hands to change that and make her happy and feel loved - do you really think he wouldn't have been happy to make her happy? I don't think he would have shrugged it off like oh why bother, as long as she lets me boink her it can't be that bad. She needed to make herself clear.
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 14, 2012 17:39:03 GMT -5
But how much clearer could she have made it? She told him she wanted to do more than boink! She wanted to know where the relationship was going. She said it she felt she was in a french movie (forgot her exact words). She wanted to know it was more than sex to him. And instead of telling her that they were in a committed relationship and wanted and loved her he was glib about bringing stuff over her house. And when he did ask her to go on a date he didn't even bother to plan it knowing how Maddie felt about men who took her out on dates that were unplanned! He needed to put some elbow grease in convincing her he was crazy about her. I am not saying that he was fine with just boinking her but he was happy and she wasn't. I also think the reason she wanted to keep it a secret was not because she was ashamed of him but because of the reputation he had in the office of her ladies' man and she did not want to be thought of as another notch on his belt.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2012 3:54:08 GMT -5
I know what you mean, and I guess that was at least one of her reasons. But I think she was ashamed too. I know you don't think he was only after sex, but I think Maddie had no reason to think that either, not given their history.
And then: of course no woman likes to be gossiped about as the next notch on her guy's belt, but if you really love someone, you should give a damn about what others think as long as you know you're not only that. Please bear if I bring in my own experience again: when I got together with my hub, many of his "friends" thought exactly that - and exactly for the same reasons. He was a fun-loving guy who loved nothing more than teasing and bantering, having a good time and giving a pretty girl the once-over. But I knew he was a good and decent guy, and that was all that mattered to me, and I think that's how it should be.
But I'm not with you about she made herself clear. Obviously, she didn't! You haven't answered my question: do you really believe he wouldn't have tried everything to made her happy if he knew what it really was that bothered and hurt her?
And sorry, but where did she say she needed to know it was more than sex to him? As far as we know she never told him hey buster, you make me think you don't want more from me than sex. I get the feeling you're fine with only sleeping together, but I'm not! I want more, I want to do all the things that lovers do - or are we just pals with benefits? You make me feel like that! I'm sure he would have been shocked if he knew how she felt and would have tried to change that - if only he knew. By sending her mixed signals (no, David versus oh yes, yes, yes David) she made it very very difficult for him to relize what she really wanted. But I agree - he should have investigated more what the reason for her constant pact crap was.
She never said it that clear - at least we didn't see it. And when she said something more specific (like we never went out for burgers etc.) it was already too late, according to her.
Yes, I think he should have been more sensitive and realize earlier maybe what she needed from him, because he knew how she was; but to be fair you have to say that the same goes for her: she knew how he was and that he believed actions spoke louder than words, and that he wasn't the big analyzer - he needed clearer "orders" and not codes. He didn't need to hear "Where is the relationship going?" he needed to hear "I want us to be closer, and not just spend time with sex!" That's again the problem of not speaking the same language.
And sorry, I don't see any smugness in his suggestion to bring some of his stuff over. That was him telling her that he wanted to be closer too, but obviously she didn't understand that. Language. And another example from my wild youth LOL my hub is not a man of many words. After a few weeks that we were together (which we spent mostly NOT going for burgers, I can tell you) when we went shopping for him, without asking or saying a word he bought a toothbrush for me and my fave deodorant (which I used to carry around with me in my purse for my overnight stays at his place) and placed them in his bathroom. I knew what it meant.
Yes, I know I'm not Maddie, but I just want to say that you can't always say but he didn't, but he should have, but he said the wrong thing etc. - I really think it's basically a problem of not speaking the same language and thus not realizing what the other one really was trying to say by their words/behavior. But that's nothing you can blame them for.
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 15, 2012 6:13:32 GMT -5
You didn't work wit hyour husband. You weren't his boss.And she did tell him what she wanted! To do more than boink! She told him she wanted more out of the relationship. He did tell her to tell him what she wanted and he would do it but how could she say to him I want to make sure you love me, only me? She hinted enough. And yess I do think he would have done anything to make her happy! He couldn't understand why she wasn't happy. He should have realized Maddie was the type of woman who wanted to be romanced and made to feel special and not just in bed but like you said they were talking two different languages. And he was glib about putting stuff in her house..this is the time he should have been serious and told her how he felt. He blew it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2012 7:02:39 GMT -5
I still disagree, she didn't tell him her real reasons - that she felt not loved, not taken seriously. And you just repeated his line about putting stuff in her house, but you don't explain why. I think it was his way to tell her that he wanted to move the relationship forward. She didn't understand him. Different languages. She didn't say so much what she wanted out of the relationship - she only ranted about how they were a bad habit, an affair etc. I don't hear her say I want to go to the movies with you, I would love to go to a nice restaurant with you etc. etc. She never said I want more than boinking, she just ranted in general. David needed clear words. Oh, and you're wrong about me btw - I did work with my hub, and my father was his boss, so the situation is not that different. Plus, I had gone with 2 other guys who had worked at my dad's restaurant before and there was already gossip about me, about what a nice trophy it was to boink the boss' daughter. All the same: I didn't care
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 15, 2012 17:52:50 GMT -5
I would have cared lol
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 15, 2012 17:55:37 GMT -5
And why did she have to spell it out?Maddie wanted what most women want in a relationship. A man who respects them. takes them seriously, makes them happy and makes them feel loved. She didn't feel loved; she felt used. And even if it is wrong it is the way she felt and how can you spell that out. I guess she figured despite how much she loved sex with him she wanted to feel special not like an easy lay. That was Maddie.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 2:12:48 GMT -5
Of course, and every woman would want that, and no she didn't have to spell out that she WANTED to be loved - but she should have spelled out that she DIDN'T feel loved! Because I'm convinced he thought he was making her feel loved! And of course you can spell it out, why not? Why couldn't she say What we have is not enough for me? Sorry, but I think to make a relationship work, especially between two people who are so different, you have to talk about your feelings and about what bothers you. Nobody is a mind reader. I don't say David is the big master in that department either! It bothered him from the beginning that she seemed to be ashamed about them - he should have told her that it hurt him, and then she should have told him why she wanted to keep it secret (his reputation etc etc). But he didn't because in his naïvity (is that a word?) he thought it would all fall into place. It didn't bother him that they didn't go out because in the beginning of a relationship it's normal to stay in mostly LOL. To her, that meant he was interested only in laying her. That's why they needed to talk, and since she was the one thinking everything was going wrong, she should have spoken and voice her fears.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 2:18:21 GMT -5
Seriously? I thought you always say I don't care what others say/think? Anyway, I'm glad my hub didn't think that way, because otherwise he wouldn't have considered to go for a serious relationship with me, because I was the one with the bad reputation of being an easy lay (which I was not).
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 16, 2012 5:52:42 GMT -5
I would have felt uncomfortable is maybe a better word. And sometimes I do care what people think of me. I hate the idea of someone thinking they are making a fool of me or getting the better of me,
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 16, 2012 5:54:15 GMT -5
Sandra she tried to voice her fears in her own Maddie way. And he knew what she expected out of a date and he didn't plan jack shit. So what did that tell her?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 7:43:08 GMT -5
Uncomfortable? Well, I'm not saying I liked it... but what I meant was I didn't let that influence my feelings for my hub, because I knew that he was not what people thought he was.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 7:45:14 GMT -5
Sandra she tried to voice her fears in her own Maddie way. And he knew what she expected out of a date and he didn't plan jack shit. So what did that tell her? I'm totally agree with you, she tried to say it in her Maddie way. And he tried to show her all his love in his David way. Neither of them understood the other. But when she saw that he obviously didn't get it, why didn't she become more specific? That drives me crazy.
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Post by Addison's girl on Nov 16, 2012 16:10:06 GMT -5
It is not a woman's way lol
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:34:15 GMT -5
No you can't generalize that. It was not HER way. There are many women who prefer a clear word instead of making their guy guess and then blame him for not getting it.
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